Monday, April 01, 2013

The Telemarketer

The Telemarketer - AH. the telemarketer: Easily one of the most loathsome creatures to slither upon the earth!

Generally, I recognize them and quickly end their telephone solicitations by either saying something witty ("You have reached an active crime scene. Do not disconnect. An agent will be with you shortly. Be certain to answer honestly. Do not disconnect.") or by simply ending the call by returning the handset to its perch.

This morning, however, I allowed The Telemarketer to engage me in conversation. (I quickly put the number displayed by Caller ID into Google and determined it to be a telemarketer.) This is the text of this conversation:

  • ME: Good morning. Thank you for calling California Technologies. How may I direct your call?
  • TM: Can I speak to the person responsible for making decisions for your office telephone?
  • ME: Certainly. One moment, please.
  • ME: (changing my voice) This is Balthazar.
  • TM: Good morning. I've been talking to other people like you and they all want to save money on office telephone costs. I can save your company big money every month. I bet that's something you'd like to know more about!
  • ME: Really! (nearly shouting) That sounds like a dream come true! In fact, I haven't had a good night's sleep in months. I lie awake—tossing and turning through the night, trying to come up with a solution to our high telephone costs!
  • TM: Well that's great! I'm here to help. How much does your company spend on long distance every month?
  • ME: It varies a bit each month, of course, but generally we spend about $40,000 on long-distance calling.
  • TM: (following about 30 seconds of silence) What was that again?
  • ME: Our long-distance bill is about $40,000 a month. Then we've got another $10,000 or so in local calling and Yellow Page ads and so forth. About $50,000 a month total, I'd estimate.
  • TM: (muffled, indistinguishable sounds indicating the telemarketer had placed his hand over the handset's mouthpiece) Well that's great. What would you say if I told you we could save you at least half of your monthly phone costs?
  • ME: That sounds great! Let's do it!
  • TM: Great! I'm going to email you a consent to move service to get started. I need your email address.
  • ME: Oh, well, you see, I've heard about that and don't get me wrong I'm sure it's good for folks that don't like actually talking to people one-on-one, but all our business is done with telephones. We don't have any email or computers or anything. Can't you fax me the form?
  • TM: Sure! What's your fax number?
  • ME: Our fax number is: xxx-xx-xxxx (I give him the fax number of AT&T.)

    I have heard no more from The Telemarketer.